UUUGgggghhhhh

There’s just always something, right?

I’m really focusing on calm and moving forward but I’m feeling that frenzy in your chest like:

I get overwhelmed so easily
My anxiety creeps inside of me
Makes it hard to breathe
What’s come over me
Feels like I’m somebody else

Royal and the Serpent

There’s always a thing right? Right now it’s a work thing. But it could be a different thing. It could be the late fee that I’m charged that I feel is unjust, but teecchhhnically I’m wrong. It could be the thing where I snapped at my daughter – my beautiful daughter – because I’m frustrated at work because no one is listening, and you’re like “Am I the idiot here?”

The flip side of being a recovering addict is all that continual self-searching and fearless moral inventory stuff. There’s a fine line between always examining your own motives, weaknesses, and ego, and questioning who and how you are in the world.

I would be so much better as a human if I could have more discipline in my efforts and less “what the F$#^” about it. But I’m 45 now, so maybe that’s just who I am. Not if you believe in neuroplasticity, of course. Not if you’ve rewired yourself several times before. But still.

Covid was tough man. Messed with my head. Am still crawling out of it.

You have to make yourself resilient though, right? What doesn’t kill you (like the at least 2 times you had Covid, one of which truly sucked), actually does make you stronger if you let it.

I’ve been searching for signs out there in the universe. It’s silly, maybe. Or maybe it’s how, coming home from a work trip, stressing beyond belief, the song on the speakers is “Everything is going to be alright” and my baggage carousel has one of those signs that says: “This is the sign you’ve been waiting for.”

There’s a path I’m supposed to take but I can’t see my way clear to see it. Yet. That’s what we teach our kids, right? You can’t do it YET or you don’t know that thing YET.

So. Yet.