So I’m kind of done with the pandemic.  In a done done way.  In a “I feel like putting my fingers in my ears and going “lalalalalala” kind of way.  Wouldn’t it be nice if everything just went back to normal?  But since that’s not going to happen, I have to find a better way to cope.

Because I might just lose my freaking mind if I have to remind one of my kids – yet again – that hand-washing is not an “optional add-on” to the bathroom experience, it is a “core part” of the bathroom experience, I have to do something.  I’ve overdone the whole Incredibles 2 hand-washing scene (that stopped being funny 2 months ago). 

When you can no longer change your circumstances, you can only change yourself.

This applies across a whole series of circumstances, from getting the wrong takeout order (I’ve never tried cheddar cheese on that before, and I’m lactose intolerant, but let’s call this a “low-cost cleanse”), to haircuts (micro-bangs will be back in style in a few weeks I’m sure!).  It applies swimmingly to this s#@* show of a pandemic. 

Welcome Jason Bourne. 

Here are 5 things I thought of to help me recontextualize the everyday annoying as *%@# stuff that comes with the pandemic that we have to just freaking live with.

Never Leave Fingerprints As a Fugitive Assassin

Remember that scene in The Bourne Identity where he’s in a hotel room and the girl from Run Lola Run wakes up and he says that he’s wiped the entire room for fingerprints?  Think like that.  If you have children, recommend this to them as a key spy skill. 

For myself, I like to think that, were I a government trained assassin, I would need to be washing down every object I touch anyways.  Now we’re just doing it because we might pass along a deadly virus to someone with a compromised immune system, but maybe we’re doing it because we’re assassins who want to leave no trace behind.  You too can leave no trace behind.

Communicate Virtually

In most of the Jason Bourne films, virtual communication is preferred.  Looking back on them (forget the fourth one, who knows what that was about – mortgage payment?), the only time that the bad guys meet the good guy and gal in person is when a deadly fight happens.  This is also true with the pandemic.  You risk getting in the fight of your life (or getting someone else in danger – thank you very much Matt Damon for the death of Franka Potente’s character!) only when you meet physically with members not of your household or bubble. 

Rock those phone calls, telemedicine, food delivery and Zoom calls.  Because you’re a fugitive assassin, and it’s safer for everyone when you do. 

Just Ask and Keep it Simple

Sometimes, just asking will get you the results that you want.  Instead of counting the steps from the midpoint of the lobby, and then coming up with some sort of complex plan for breaking into a computer to get records for a dead man, pretend that you’re that dead man’s personal assistant, use some good old-fashioned charm, and ask for what you need.

We were recently out of state and needed to get my son into a doctor, but, even with telemedicine it got complicated.  Instead of going to an emergency room, I ended up – after many other avenues of exploration – calling and getting a next-day appointment with a doctor my son had last seen when he was three.  Sure it wasn’t an easy process, but the woman who made it happen despite a lot of steps, made it happen because I asked.  Kindly.  Maybe with a little charm. 

Because a fugitive assassin is way more effective when they appeal to the better angels of civilians than bust out in a knife fight (though Matt Damon can do some wickedly deadly things with a pen, and full credit goes to him because this was long before John Wick, though I do love me some Keanu, but I digress).  (84, by the way, for John Wick fans, because most folk forget to include the car explosions in the body count.)

Forget Who You Were Before Except for the Good Stuff

Much like Jason Bourne, I have difficulty remembering who I was before the pandemic.  What I would like to do, also like Jason Bourne, is keep the good stuff only.  Whatever your vices were before the pandemic, make it harder to keep those going, because you have a good heart, a heart of courage and kindness, and most of us struggle mightily to be good.

Whether it be overconsumption of something, or internet shopping, or gossiping, let that s*%# go.  Keep only the best parts of yourself.  What we feed grows.  A little amnesia can be helpful in this.  Forget the bad parts of yourself from before.  Grow the parts that you always wanted to.

Travel Light But With Tools

For Jason Bourne, the tools of the trade are half a dozen extra passports, a loaded gun, and tens of thousands of dollars in various currencies.  For us, our new tools of the trade are hand sanitizer, masks, soap, and Clorox wipes (though not all of those should be applied to your actual body – seriously). 

Create your own “kit”, your “go bag” – the thing you need to grab before traveling anywhere out of the house.  If you have children, potentially make those masks ninja masks (because why not?), or Harry Potter masks (thanks Mom!), or something else fun.  For yourself, think of all the advantages of masks – no need for lipstick, and at least the mascne that’s being created is also being covered.

But whatever fugitive assassin lessons or strategies that you want to adopt, keep in mind the most important one – BE FLEXIBLE.  When the landscape changes in the field, so too should your strategies.  Every week we’re learning more about how much we don’t know about this virus, and we’re making better choices based on that information on how to keep our loved ones safe. 

The best part is that the fugitive assassin is the good guy. So you get to be both a hero AND a badass.

-SDM